i want to say it was summer that afternoon we coiled like smoke around each other on the couch watching reruns of Sanford and Son straight, broke, hungry but none of that mattered… i want to say it was summer as i laid there tangled up in you and knew for the first time what it meant to love someone with my whole mind and body and spirit to be in your arms and yet ache to devour you at the same time
i want to say it was summer because it was… it was the summer of my life...
I called her today.. I called her because I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. How much she means to me. How she had once been the very center of my world, and no one had ever been able to take her place… But instead we talked about the weather, her class reunion, and the way that age had of making things that once seemed so all important bleed and fade like unblotted ink on a page….
I called her today. I wanted to remind her that she was my first love, that I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her. That it was her love that had made all other loves possible.. And against which, they would all forever be judged. But instead I told her about the the poem I had written, and the book I may well never finish. We talked about the garden and the dogs and the man who said he would come to cut the grass,, but never did…
I called her today. My heart so full of love, my mind overflowing with memories of the times we spent in each others arms, the tender goodnight kisses, the loving glances that stripped me of my insecurities and made me feel as if I could conquer the world But instead I told her that I would talk to her later, as this long distance was costing me a fortune- and anyway, I should be feeding the cats, and getting the dogs in for dinner, or folding the clothes that finished drying an hour or so ago….
I called her today. With every intention of making today the day I told her all the things that have been weighing so heavily on my heart. All the things I have wanted to say for so long but had never gathered the courage to do so,, All the things I don’t want either of us to ever leave this world without me having said… But instead I waited until after we had said our goodbyes, and then added- almost as an afterthought- “I love you…but you know that, right?”
I was given a second chance at passion. It consumed me oh, so many years ago. I sold a husband and my children to obtain it. And if I’d had it- I would have sold a whole lot more. It was the kind of love that people burn in hell for. It was the kind of love that burns you to the ground. It was the kind of love that leaves no (wo)man standing- and in the end it was both of us that drown. You might think that kind of love is curse-ed. You might think no love is worth all that much pain. You might think I am better off for having lost it- but if I could I would do it all, again.