caught inside the labyrinth,
he has learned to call his home.
he sleeps under the hyacinth,
on a mattress made of loam.
he has learned to call his home,
this tangled cement string.
on a mattress made of loam
he lies, and hears his mother sing.
on this tangled cement string,
he paints the mural of his life.
he lies and hears his mother sing,
and dreams he’s dancing with his wife.
he paints the mural of his life,
in vinegar, piss, and wine.
and dreams he’s dancing with his wife.
on gold paved streets- her living shrine
in vinegar, piss, and wine
he sways, unkempt for all to see
on gold paved streets, her living shrine
he slow dances, with his Marie.
he sways unkempt for all to see,
through the labyrinth of his dreams.
he slow dances, with his Marie,
as once more the banshee screams.
through the labyrinth of his dreams,
he weeps, thru dilated blood shot eyes.
as once more the banshee screams,
and again- his beloved Marie dies….
This is a form of poetry called a Pantoum and it is posted in response to Helene at Willow Poetry’s What Do You See Photo Prompt, Maze.
Linked to dverse poetry forums call for a pantoum
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I enjoyed this, even the rhythm and flow! I can imagine a record on in the background, old and worn, the sound quality leaving something to be desired. I can imagine yellowed curtains, the smell of mothballs competing with the scent of alcohol. It’s a great poem!
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Thank you HRR I really enjoyed the musical quality myself.
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I love the repetition here. And you’ve captured what feels to me like the rhythm of threading a labyrinth. 🙂
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Thank you Crispina. I do like the feel of the rhythm in this one.
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I just read about a similar form in researching sonnets.
You are brilliant; you know that?
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Well I don’t know about that, but it sure is nice to hear you say it! Thank you Chelsea…
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There was a lovely flow to this Violet, very well done.
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Thank you Michael. I was pleased with the write.
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Such a writerly piece! The tension, imagery, everything is spot-on. “…this tangled cement string” is sheer genius!
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You are too kind. I am so glad you enjoyed it.
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I thought I recognized a poetic form here, but with some difference enough to call your own.
A situation too many widowers face, I fear.
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Thank you Jules, I usually avoid repetition, but in this form it really is lyrical to me..
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Ah, your use of the form is so good — I really enjoyed the repetition and those rhymes and near-rhymes that give it a certain rhythm and adds into the desperation and misery of being caught in this labyrinthine state of mind. Very well penned!
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Coming from you that means so much! Thank you.
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You have created vivid imagery through this form. The poem flowed melodiously from one line into the other.
It is a tremendously clever write Violet. Thank you.
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And thank you for providing the venue….
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My pleasure.
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exquisite interweaving of words and syllables
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Thank you Gina.
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Amazing.. I love the way how you took to repeating the first and third line of each stanza and weaved a beautiful story of it..
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Thank you so much. I loved how many of us chose the labyrinth instead of the maze… Great prompt.
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❤️❤️❤️
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The articulation of loss and despair. Trying to find your way forward, lacking hope and conviction. I like the wine turning into vinegar analogy. Really enjoyed reading this just for the content. I’m ignorant of poetic forms but perhaps its the repetition of the imagery that makes it so powerful.
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The repitition is part of the poetic form, but I do agree it brings the visual home..
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How brave to use seven quatrains. I got sort of lost with the rhyme scheme. Your subtle changes within the repeated lines worked too. It’s fresh and modern, though a bit strayed from classic pantoum. But I was thrilled by the energy of the words and images.
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Why thank you Glenn.
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That repeated dying at the end is liked repeatedly being lost in the labyrinth.
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Thank you Frank.
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lovely Violet! i loved it the first time and again now, i had wanted to comment if it was a pantoum when i first read but since you did not tie up the final line with the opening, i assumed you wanted a more free verse style.your rhymes are spot on though some lines are quite long and the stanza seems overdrawn, just my observation when reading out loud. i like the subject you chose, a story that weaves back to his Marie. well done!
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Thank you, Gina. This is a challenge in the best kind of way to write, and I look forward to writing another.
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I like this one, Violet! With each of the repeated lines we get a little more story and the finale brings us back to the beginning and another repetition. All spirals and circles.
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Thank you so much Jane.
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🙂
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Well….if you were sitting beside me now, you would have heard a big woosh/sigh escape my lips at the end. I swear, I was almost holding my breath with this tale and this description. What a sad sad sad scene you’ve painted so very well within this form. My heart literally aches for this man…..and here he is, simply on my computer screen in your words. Wow! Just wow!
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I cannot tell you how much joy your comment gave me. Thank you so much Lillian.
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Haunting and lovely Violet, quite beautiful!
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Thank you, Rob.
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Oh! This is so sad. That poor man! I was caught up in his story. The lines flow so well, and interlocked–as you say, a labyrinth. I don’t know if this is not considered a pantoum because you didn’t end with the first line, as Gina commented, but no lines seemed too long to me.
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Thank you, Merril. Technically, it should end in the first line. But it ruined the integrity of the piece for me, so rebel that I am, I threw my poetic license on the table, and ended it the way the piece called to be ended. Thank you so much for your kind words.
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You’re welcome!
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So sad, him dancing with his dead wife………….his despair is well captured.
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Thank you, Sherry
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This really reminds me of Townes Van Zandt’s “Marie”–do you know it? Same heartbreak.(K)
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I had never heard of this song. Thank you for the introduction. I do believe he could be the same man many years earlier!
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Definitely. I love Townes even though he can be quite melancholy. The world is unfortunately full of sad stories.
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It feels a bit like being lost in a labyrinth and going back over the same territory which I guess is what the Pantoum form does. Lots of images and quite surreal. Tangled cement and hyacinths.
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that is definitely the effect of the pantoum, that is why I chose the labyrinth as my subject. Thank you so much for reading and commenting
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